Most of us who are openly atheistic, and especially anti-theistic,
have faced a fair amount of misunderstanding, concern, and outright criticism
from friends and family. It is often painfully frustrating for us because we
see our position so clearly. We wonder why the premise is so hard for those
close to us to understand, even if they don’t agree with us.
When you choose to have them, these conversations are
neither easy nor comfortable where religiosity is aggressive among family or
friends. An important factor in the outcome is how you control the dialogue of
these encounters. The goal is not to deconvert anyone else, but to simply make
sure your position is understood and that you’re not made a target for
religious proselytizing and condemnation from those you love.
The conversations should happen in a private forum, not involving
an entire roomful of people. If you find yourself in that situation, it may be
best to refrain from saying anything until you can have the discussions in an
environment that doesn’t work against you more than it already is. This can be
overwhelmingly intimidating and it’s not an uncommon approach, particularly among
some cultures and larger families who feel that the influence is greater in
numbers.
Once the setting is comfortable, it can be important to take
control of the conversation without being intimidating. Having come from
religion and found skepticism, you hold a more comprehensive position. Remember
that atheism is likely completely foreign to your family, and considered taboo
according to their religious values. They are in a place of emotion. You need
to take them to a place of thought.
One method that can be constructive in this process is utilizing
some of the skills found in life coaching. I’ve been fortunate to receive
education in this area and the processes have been extremely helpful to me as I’ve
navigated adversity in my life, particularly discussions about atheism.
Coaching is generally forward-orientated, which is where you want to take the
conversation. You want to take your family from a place of their own perceived disappointment
or misunderstanding to a place where you can all have safe and fruitful
discussion.
Coaching yourself and others is about positive action and
change. First recognize that the things that usually resist positive action and
change are emotionally-charged, negative presuppositions. You want to stay away
from questions or dialogue that bring about emotional responses, and try to
offer questions that will productively engage thought processes. Avoid
questions that lead off with the word, “Why.” These types of questions (“Why
are you upset at me?”) default a person to what is stopping them from moving
forward, and put them in an environment where their fear or trepidation is more
comfortable than using logic or their ability to engage their use of
perspective.
Consider this example. If I asked you, “Why don’t you want
to go to work today,” you’re likely to immediately default to any negative feelings
you may have about your job. But, if I ask you, “What about your job is most challenging,”
you’re put into a place of more constructive thought and rationalization
instead of direct feelings (emotions).
Progress is made with the mind, and questions beginning with
the word, “What.” At the least, these types of questions should mitigate the
tone of the conversation. At the most, they will foster an open environment of
conversation and understanding.
“What is it about my skepticism that concerns you?” (Instead of, “Why
are you upset at me?”)
“What experience have you personally had with atheists that
gives you a negative idea of them?” (Instead of, “Why is atheism bad?")
“What have I accomplished in my life that you are proud of?”
(Instead of, “Why do you think I’m going to be a bad person now?”)
“What do you want for me to achieve in my life?" (Instead of,
“Why are you worried that I have no purpose?”)
“What do you wish more people understood about you?”
(Instead of, “Why don’t you understand me?”)
These are just a few examples. You are a naturally creative,
resourceful and determined human being. Make the questions applicable to your life
and your family, but keep them focused on thoughtful answers, not emotional
responses.
You are the only one who has a clear understanding of your
circumstances, and therefore only you can appropriately judge whether or not
you should be open about your atheism and to whom you are open about it with.
Safety and security should be your first priority. In some cultures it may not
be safe to be open until later in life. If you’re younger and more financial
dependent on your family, you have more risk to consider also.
Ultimately, you have the incredible power of your beautiful, free mind at
your disposal. Keep it simple. Atheism is nothing more than refusing to believe
without evidence. It’s not a position of hate or immorality. You have every bit
of moral virtue that your family instilled in you; and in most cases, even more
than they gave you.
